Let's Focus on Parents

As I began to put my thoughts together when starting this blog, it dawned on me that this topic lead to a spider web like series of thoughts that could potentially head in a plethora of directions. I could talk about the best ways to interact with parents during meetings or conferences. We could certainly hit on future goals parents of students with special needs have for their children. The conversation could also revolve around working as a team with parents in order to get the best bang for your buck out of their kids. 

That being said, I feel this topic is non exhaustive and will take the shape and form of several blogs over the course of time. 

I have decided to begin by speaking about the grieving stages that parents of children with disabilities are continuously going through. It has been determined that parents of children with disabilities go through a similar grieving cycle as if a child or close family member had passed away. This revolves around the thoughts that it is not necessarily that the child has died but the dreams the parents may have had for their son or daughter might no longer exist.

There is the anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance etc of the cycle but the parents are continuously going through this. I am not bringing this up to be a Debbie Downer, just trying to point out  a realistic possibility you might need to deal with as a teacher. There are several unknowns for our parents. Some are working through health needs for their children, while others are drowning in attempting to navigate through our systems to get help for their son or daughter. Of course, depending on the disability, the intensity of these situations can become more and more intense. Can you imagine feeling like you are battling almost everyone at every turn? It is inconceivable to me, yet, where do we, as educators fit into this web? At this stage I wish to move in a forward direction on how we in the system can help assist our parents who might be going through these tough emotional times.

As educators, we MUST continue to develop positive relationships with our parents. For some, you are the biggest ounce of hope they have. You give them reassurance that things will be ok. I have both laughed and cried with parents at the silly things that have happened both in and out of school with some of my students. Building a bond with parents is critical. 

I have heard countless numbers of stories from parents where some professional at some point has told them their son or daughter will never (insert what you want) walk, talk, be independent, graduate- you name it, they have heard it. I can imagine these challenges right out of the chute could only lead to stages of grief.  Our job is to relegate hope for the parents. Help them to not only sift through the public school system but also to navigate through social services and agencies. Walk with them through this journey as you get to know their stories. We should be realistic yet do so in a positive, collaborative way. I’m not suggesting we in education allow for false hope however, looking at their son or daughters “glass” as being at least half full is what I feel the parents deserve.

Early on in my career, I was hit between the eyes by one of my school parents who was being candidly honest with me. During an IEP meeting, I mentioned that she didn’t seem very enthused to be at the meeting to which she said to me, “Jon, I just get tired of hearing what my daughter can’t do every year.” Woah! Talk about an arrow hitting the bullseye. I was not doing a good job in conveying what her daughter COULD do as opposed to deficit areas. This hammer of honesty got to me at the right time. Ever since that moment, I decided to vastly change my practices. 

Between the two of us, my wife and I have six healthy, typical kids of our own. We do have some blended family struggles (which is certainly a whole other blog topic) yet our kids do  not have disabilities. That being said, I had to learn how to walk in my school parent’s moccasins. I decided to make it a point to get to know my families at the next series of multiple levels  in order to be supportive at a new line or point. I would allow parents time at IEP meetings and parent teacher conferences to talk. I wanted them to have a voice, as well as have my non judgemental listening ear. My meetings did indeed take longer than other special education co-workers  of mine but my parents felt safe with me and trusted me even more with their sons and daughters. Was it perfect? Hell no- I have heard intimate details from my family's lives that will go with me to the grave. I have heard about past abuses, prison for some members, divorces, cancers, drug addictions, you name it, I’ve heard it. Having these relationships made it easier when I did have to make a call about a behavior issue or something unpleasant that may have happened at school. After making several deposits into their bank account of “life” so to speak, I was allowed to make a withdrawal at times without there being an overabundance of tension or anger from the parents. 

There are many reasons I chose to develop these relationships with my parents, and I still work on that to this day. We are in a people business where give and take have to happen in order for our systems to generate positive ground. 

As educators, please be mindful of where your families live’s are. Please do not consider your career in education just another job because it is not. Education is a multi faceted spider web of planning, instructing, assessing as well as building a professional relationship with each of your parents. Be perceptive of the daily struggles your families are most likely  going through. Give hope at every turn. Lastly, be the compassionate individual you should be. Remember, this is not just a job, it’s a series of multiple jobs and we owe it to our parents to do them all well.