Bullies

Author: Jamie Bessette

Were you ever bullied as a kid? Pretty much everyone I talk to can tell me a story of at least one person that made their life miserable and how they dealt with it and coped. What if you had multiple kids that bullied you? Then what?

As an educator I think the word bully and being bullied is being used too much. Bully prevention became a movement just like low fat diets. Here’s the deal, there is a difference between a person who is being mean and a person who is a bully. We seem to have combined those two into one definition so let me explain how they are different.

Being mean is usually an event, it is meant to express an opposing view. A “mean person” could be mean to people all day. Think of the grumpy old man in all those old movies where the kids freak out when the baseball gets thrown into his yard and someone has to go get it. I’ll even go so far as to say mean can be a personality type but it is usually situational. Sometimes kids don’t like each other and therefore are mean to each other or say mean things. At some point in your life you were mean to someone, we all do it.

The difference between being mean and being a bully is power. A bully wants power over another person and will therefore do things in an attempt to get power. The bully can pick one person or multiple people. Power can be in the form of verbal aggression, physical aggression, public embarrassment, or exclusion (I’m sure there are more ways I just can’t think of them right now) and nowadays can be face to face or cyber.

A person who is being mean would be a kid that refuses to let you sit at the lunch table when they were there first. A bully will seek out which table you are sitting at, goes to the table and makes you move through whatever means necessary.

Now that we understand there is a difference, what do we do about it?

There is more awareness about bullying, which is good but it hasn't decreased the amount of bullying. Pretty much every school I’ve worked in has a bullying policy and program. I feel that many of the strategies being taught are good ones, now we just need people to actually implement them. People have become afraid to speak out when they see something wrong because they are afraid of retaliation. Remember there is power in numbers so if you are with a group and you all speak up the possibility of retaliation is less.

When a bullying situation is brought to an adult’s attention (or if you're an adult, your supervisor) there actually needs to be something done about it. As adults we don’t always know what to do so the easiest thing is to ignore it or let someone else handle it. If you don’t know how to handle it, seek help. For this reason I always tell kids they need to tell a trusted adult at home and a trusted adult at school. As the parent you are their best advocate, persistence with school staff will help hold everyone accountable and assist in getting the situation solved.

If you're an adult being bullied things are a bit different, you are your advocate. Hopefully your supervisor will act as a mediator and help you resolve the situation. The other option is they will push it under the rug. For example, after trying to resolve a situation with a coworker, when I brought up the situation to my supervisor she did nothing about it. At that point I had 2 choices; 1. Stay and deal with the bullying and hope the person moved and 2. Leave and find a new job. In school, our kids can’t leave so when an adult becomes aware of the situation they need to act!

Open communication needs to occur daily with your children. They need to feel you are a safe spot to land and that they can tell you anything. Now, don’t get this confused with being their friend. Your child needs to know that you will always help them problem solve situations and be there to support them during difficult times. (This goes for all parts of life and not just when they are being bullied.)

Take time to discuss strategy building. As kids get older you want them to learn how to navigate their world independently. When situations come up give them strategies to try to see if they can advocate for themselves and handle the situation. Of course the younger they are the more parent involvement there should be, for older kids it looks a bit weird when parents are always rushing to school. I will say though after providing strategies to my children that didn’t work I have, no matter what their age, made contact with the school for help. There have also been times when my child didn’t want me to get involved and I respected it to a point and then I explained that the problem was bigger than us and we sought assistance. Don’t be afraid to seek help. I can’t stress this enough.

Cyber bullying is a real thing so if you have a kid with a cell phone monitor their online activity. Think really hard about letting them on snapchat, Facebook, Instagram etc. Here’s a simple thought: if they aren’t on it they can't get bullied using it.

My last piece of advice is send your kids outside to play. The social skills kids learn during these times are priceless. The better your kids can socially navigate their world, the better they will be in dealing with conflict and problem solving.